Amethyst and I were driving home from the library and we started talking about money. Amethyst has recently started a career as an artist. Due to her departure from the corporate world, we have had to adhere to a strict budget. We are keeping things very tight, but at the same time we are both very excited that we have the luxury to really give this career change a chance. I really believe in her talent and feel strongly that she will do well for herself.
As I mentioned, we were talking about money and Amethyst mentioned that she thinks back to when we both had jobs and how we basically wasted one of the checks we would get. I got very quiet. The problem with anxiety is that my internal monologue tells me that I'm a failure. I know that I'm not a failure, but I can't stop the thoughts from heading to the forefront of my mind. So, while I know that Amethyst said, "We wasted...", I can't help but think she is saying that, "I wasted...". My wife would never accuse me of such things, it is my own thoughts that accuse me.
In the past, I would become very defensive because I didn't quite know how to deal with my thoughts. I actually believed that people were accusing me of things my brain told me. I would easily self-sabotage many relationships.
Now I realize that I have to separate my own thoughts from what people say. This can be difficult depending on what state of stress I'm in. It is like I have two waring factions in my head. One is telling horrible things that other people think of me and the other part is assuring me of reality. While I completely understand that people are not telling me the horrible things I'm thinking, it still doesn't mean that those thoughts don't take their emotional toll.
The reason I got quiet is because my brain goes into war mode. The first shot is fired when my brain tells me that I failed at being fiscally responsible. I don't want to be viewed as bad person, so I start to feel ashamed and defensive. Then the other side notices the signs and I realize that what I'm thinking is not true and that my wife and I are just talking about money. Money is a tough subject for everyone. Amethyst is not saying anything bad about me. I then start to feel ashamed that I have these thoughts in the first place. I'm killing my marriage by thinking these things. Again, I start to notice the clenched jaw and the eyes itch as signs. I have to tell myself to take a breath and try to realize that everything is actually okay. Due to this inner war, I have a hard time actually contributing to the conversation.
I have chosen to avoid medication if I can. I have nothing against medication or the people who take it, I just already take prescriptions for my diabetes.
This is not written in search of sympathy. It helps me to write these situations out. In some way, it lets me see the moments as they really are.
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